I'm currently sitting in bed in my room which is full of slightly odd furniture but has one of the best views for miles around. I dont spend much time in here, and that's backed up by the fact that I have pretty much no possessions in here whatsoever. The entire room is empty apart from a fair selection of clothes spread all over the floor, and a rather large collection of rubbish that, at some point in the next few months, I may get round to clearing up. Emphasis on may.
Moving upstairs, the lounge in this house is probably my favourite ever room. The converted loft, with sloping ceilings and even better view my bedroom, provides a perfect retreat for relaxing with my mates and cracking out the banter.
Indoor cricket and indoor bowls have both taken place up there, although not so much in recent times. The past month has seen the Xbox and the Wii take over people's spare time. Not that I really care about either of those things though, apart from three-point shooting on the Wii, but I guess we're all allowed our little pleasures. As for Becky, it's definitely the Wii baseball. If she ever gets her hands on the controller, it's highly likely she'll be swinging her arms around like a madman.
Jamie prefers a spot of Wii golf, something I have never quite got the hang of. While I go round in 15 shots over par, Jamie somehow jams his way to six under.
Ewan's got his bowling, in which I believe he still holds the record in the 100 pin game, slightly ahead of Callum, who's a bit of an all-rounder. As well as the bowling, Callum often pits his wits against the insane Wii table tennis girl. Sadly for Callum, he just doesn't quite have the skills. But it's ok, as he's got other games, which we'll come back to in a minute.
Sean is similar to Callum, and I believe he has beaten the all-powerful Wii-girl at table tennis. This, as well as being nearly as good as me at the basketball means Sean has a few talents in the gaming world. At the forefront of those talents has to be his Fifa work on the Xbox. Winner of the inhouse tournament, he loves a bit of Fifa. Which brings me back to Callum, who, alongside Jamie, spends an awful lot of his time playing season after season with average sides, turning them into good teams.And so, we come to the first source of banter in the house. It goes by the name of Katherine Lewis. Or Katie, as she is now known. A girl who revels in being an annoying little toerag who must have a deeplying love of pain, seeing as she knows she'll be punished for her actions.
The case in point in this instance happened when Callum had just won a game of Fifa 7-1. Truly happy he was with himself, too. Not wanting to let his happiness last, Katie decided it would be a laugh to turn the console off before the game was saved. But the devious slag was thwarted by the alert Callum, who instantly shoved her over and began pounding her just as she deserved. The attack went on for a good few minutes, and I even got involved myself, such were the nature of her actions. She begged for mercy, but, rightfully, we made sure she regretted what she'd done, until, eventually, we relented.
Error. Once Callum and I had moved away, Katie sat on the sofa and appeared to be recovering from the onslaught which had ensued, but then she pounced like a cat. With us two thinking the job had been done, the nuisance spun round and turned the Xbox off at the wall, sparking carnage in the lounge. Again she was pummelled by Callum and myself. Silly girl.
Another form of banter is the practical joke. Started by the deadly duo of Callum and Jamie, with Sean also keen to ruin people's day. The first instance of this came when I was driving back to Eastbourne on a Sunday night, having been at home for the weekend. Before I left, I had spoken to Jamie on the phone, and he said he wasn't sure if he'd be up when I got back.
As I approached the house, I looked up to the lounge window to see if the light was on, meaning Jamie was awake. It was. I parked my car, got my things together and got ready to go into the house, but before I did so, I had another look up to the window. Seeing them with a BB gun wouldn't have been out of the question. There was no gun, but there was no light either. They'd heard my car and turned it off. I knew something was up. They couldn't have come outside that quickly, so I was safe walking to the door, but I opened it with caution. I carefully walked over the threshold expected to be jumped out on from any angle. But having shut the door behind me and looked around, all appeared normal. Until something glistened and caught my eye. "What the fuck is that?" I thought. A spider's web? No, I didn't think so. Once I'd banished that thought from my mind, I was literally lost for words at what this proposition was. But whatever it was, it was due to Jamie and Callum, so I had no doubt they were somewhere near, waiting for my mistake. So I decided to have a conversation with the darkness, if only to calm my own nerves. "Where's the light in this joint?" I remember saying. I couldn't find it, but not to worry, I was ready to face the barrier attempting to harm my progress into the house.
Having got up very close, I determined that it was in fact cling film, spread tightly across the doorway, with the hopeful aim of being invisible to the unsuspecting mug like me. Fairly harmless you might think. Well, yes, but it was drenched in honey. Not something I particularly fancied all over my face, hair and clothes. There was one sheet at face level, and another sheet at thigh level, so if I hadn't have suspected something was up, I'd have got a right good going over.
As is my style, I decided I would try and silently negotiate the obstacles, then make my way up to the lounge as if nothing had happened. But not long into my task, the silence was broken.
"He's crawling under it, what a bastard!" whispered Callum. Indeed I was. And so that was it. Game over.
"God I'm so disappointed," said an exasperated Jamie. "Waited up bloody hours for you to turn up and it didn't even work."
Not to be outdone, the next night I planted some traps of my own. As the rest of the house went out to get drunk, it was my time to pounce. I set up a cling film barrier half way up the stairs to the living room, hoping it'd catch them out and they'd think that was my attempt. However, in reality, that was only the decoy, and the real prank was a trip wire at the top of the stairs.
Sadly I was so tired I had to go to bed before they got back, but it wasn't long before I'd been woken up by their return. I couldn't quite work out who found it and how, but it became apparent my pranks had both failed. "Little shit!" said a highly intoxicated Jamie. And so, in their drunken states, they set about setting up a honey-doused cling film sheet to go outside my bedroom door, hoping that I'd be so tired the next morning that I wouldn't realise it was there. Little did they know that I could hear their every move, and, when the time was right, I pounced. I crept up to the door, and when it all went quiet for a brief moment, I screamed through the door, prompting a sharp intake of breath on the other side, before they realised they'd been caught. Another game over.
The games have continued since, with Sean and Ewan getting in on the act when the rest of us were at pool league. The unfortunate party was Danny, a member of the pool team who doesn't live in the house, and therefore unwary of any possible threats.
The most recent attempt at sabotage was last night in fact, when again it was my time to return from a weekend at home. The door was on the latch, so I knew Callum was still upstairs, which instantly put me on my guard. I progressed to the top of the first flight of stairs, which is where I stopped. Having been the site of the successful attack on Danny, the unimaginative duo decided to put their trip wire in exactly the same place. But, having expected it, I simply stepped over it.
Thinking that my arrival may have gone unnoticed, I unlocked my door as silently as I could, but then when I went to push the handle down, I was caught out by what appeared to be hair gel all over it. No worries though, I got some toilet roll and wiped everything clean, before dumping my laptop and clothes in my room and progressing up the stairs. There sat the two pricks, once again annoyed that I hadn't fallen at one of their traps.
So what else happens in this house? Not a lot really, just a lot of relaxing and messing about. Oh and Fabio. We can't forget the Fabio, our resident German. He's a nice enough guy, but I don't think he really understands how when we ask him questions, they're only meant as showing an interest, rather than an interrogation.
He gets on with everyone in the house, with the exception of Jamie sometimes. Being German, a sense of humour isn't really his strong point. Jamie lives for banter, and loves getting nibbles. Fabio is easy pickings. Explosions at the most innocent of questions, prompting us to burst out laughing. I don't think he's a fan of people punching road signs directly above his bedroom at 3.30am either. Dear me that was funny.So yeah that's our house. A banter-filled, comedy-filled, relaxation-filled, shit-all-over-the-kitchen-filled place where I love spending my time.
Couldn't have a post on Carew Road without including this video or the guy it features. Adam Toulson, a legend of Carew Road, getting completely merked up by Jamie and Sean, with me doing the filming. Incredible banter. Toulson come backkkkkkkk.
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